Thursday, March 24, 2011

Shopping TERROR!!!

In this blog, I would like to discuss shopping trip nightmares that we all have had, or will have one day. Since you have to park in a parking lot, I will start there.


So, I pull into the parking lot at Wal-Mart, and I am the type of person that prides myself in my ability to locate parking spaces that are close to the door. I am not handicapped, but there is a great deal of satisfaction in finding a parking space that is right next to a handicap space (i.e. the closest you can get without a handicap sticker or plate). So, I am cruising through the aisle looking for a good space and THERE IT IS!!!
I can hardly contain myself as I am getting closer to the space! I see someone pull around the corner from the other end of the aisle and I KNOW they are going to try to steal my parking space! I just know it!! So I do what everyone else would do and I SPEED UP to show that person that I was waiting for that spot and that it is MINE! Oh, and I also turn on my blinker, signaling that I want that spot...I am not a complete jerk, here, ok? Geez!  So anyway, they see me, and they continue past MY spot.
I am getting closer and closer and I can taste the victory...and then I realize why the other people passed up my parking space. Yes, as I get to the parking space I realize that there is a MOTORCYCLE parked in my space!!! My heart sinks and suddenly I feel like a bit of an idiot. Those people didn't pass up that spot because of the rage they could see in my face...they didn't pass it up because I dang near ran someone over to speed up to prove that I was waiting for that spot...my blinker didn't even phase them.
No, these people passed up this space because from their angle, they saw a motorcycle in the space, and they were probably laughing the rest of the day, talking about the idiot that was possessive over a parking space that they were never going to get. It's sad times...so then I have a choice, either I can just leave and do my shopping the next day, or I can sheepishly park on the other side of the parking lot, in the farthest space from the building and just hope that no one recognizes me.
What the Heck am I talking about?!? I am here to do some shopping! It's not MY fault some loser parked their little bike in a parking space!! It's THEIR fault I was made to feel dumb, so NO, I will not park a mile away from the store, I will get a decent parking space and I will pridefully walk into that store and get what I was there for!!! I think it should be mandatory that big stores like this have parking specifically for bikes and Smart Cars. (YES, I SAID SMART CARS!) They are just as bad! You don't even see the dang things until you pull into the space and are on top of their car! You could park those things 2 deep in ONE parking space!
Anyway, I digress... So, I go inside the store, and am starting to feel a tiny bit better about my life. I get a shopping cart. I don't know about anyone else, and it may just be me, but out of the hundreds of shopping carts sitting there, I ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS pick one that has something wrong with the wheels! One wheel doesn't turn, one wheel wobbles because it doesn't quite hit the floor, or something. Something is always wrong with the cart that I pick! Or it's the one that you can hear throughout the entire STORE!!! "SQUEEEEEEK! Oh, look at me, I was picked by the idiot who tried to park in the space with a motorcycle in it!! SQUEEEK! Look at this idiot! Why didn't she just get a different cart? SQUEEEK!!!" Yes, my carts talk, don't yours?


So then I just continue on my way. Going up and down aisles looking for the items I need. Then I go down the cereal aisle, and I could swear that there was a party going on down this aisle! Why does everyone in the state of Indiana need cereal RIGHT NOW? Why are they all in this aisle?!?! Did I miss the invitation to this party or something? Of course the cereal I want is in the MIDDLE of the aisle, so I wait. I sit there and wait as the line of people moves at negative 50 miles per hour! I feel like I am waiting in line for a roller coaster ride at Cedar Point or something! What the heck! I just want a box of cereal! Is that too much to ask!?
Well, I finally get my cereal and get the heck out of that aisle. By this point I am already starting to feel frustrated, but I continue on.
I turn the corner and go down the next aisle. I get behind this lady and she stops to look at something. She positions her cart SIDEWAYS in the aisle and stands at the other end of her cart, thus blocking the ENTIRE AISLE! And folks, she a "reader". Yes, she reads the entire contents of each box she picks up! She was probably picturing herself making whatever she was looking at. Probably even picturing what she was going to be wearing while she fixed that meal! She takes 5 hours reading all of these boxes and I stand there waiting "PATIENTLY" of course! Yeah right! I am about to scream at the top of my lungs and tell this lady to get the heck outta my way! Why didn't I just turn around and go around and come up on the other side of the aisle, you ask? It's the PRINCIPLE of the matter! She should NOT be blocking the entire aisle...come on! It's common sense AND common courtesy!
So, finally, this lady looks up and sees me standing there and says, "Oh! I am sorry. I am blocking the whole aisle." (No kidding, genius!) Then she proceeds to move her cart a little bit, just enough for me to SQUEEZE past her. No, she didn't move it enough for me to comfortably walk past, just enough for me to slide past her. So, I get what I needed in that aisle and turn to go up the next aisle and dang near run over a little kid!
In the next aisle I need to go through there are 100 children running rampant through the aisle! Did I turn the corner and enter Chuck-E-Cheeses or something?!?! What's going on here?!? And the sad part is, they all belong to the lady who is in the next aisle. Yeah, that's right...she has about 7 children and I don't think she knows where any of them are! I know where they are! 2 of them are stuck in the wheels of MY shopping cart! The other 5 are remodeling Wal-Mart! Why do these women have all of these children and then not take care of them?! I swear! 


So anyway, after I get away from the unsupervised terrors (Heaven knows I don't want anyone to think they are MY children!!!) I get to the last aisle I need to go down. And what do you know? There are two women standing there talking. I don't mind the talking part, but what I do mind is that they are standing in a way that not even a mouse could get past them! What is up with these people?!? Come on! This is a store! Not a Starbucks! Haven't seen eachother in 10 years? Well, that's not MY fault! Exchange numbers, promise you'll call eachother (and never do) and get the heck out of my way!!! WalMart is not the place for class reunions! MOVE!!!! Well, since there are 2 of them blocking the aisle, it doesn't take near as long for one of them to see me and realize that I am waiting to pass through... "Oops. Look, we are blocking the whole aisle! *giggle, giggle*"  They are laughing about this?!??! I am NOT laughing!!! This is NOT funny!


I am finally nearing the end of this miserable shopping trip. I get in line at the checkout...and would you believe it? I happened to get in line with the guy who just started YESTERDAY!
About 20 minutes later, after he scans my 20 items, I am ready to get out of there!!!
As I walk out and I am walking toward my car, apparently EVERY SINGLE parking space between the handicap spaces and where I had to park are now available! Even the dang motorcycle is gone!!


SCREW THIS DAY! I am NEVER, EVER going to WalMart again!!!!
Till next week...

2 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh! I laughed so hard at the squeaky wheel thing, I think I popped my spleen! You forgot to mention the non-handicapped handicapped space hogs. FOR SHAME, Jess!

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  2. Only in our family could we have such a great shopping day... especially at walmart.. haha :)

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