Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Things I do that embarass me...

I am sure that I am not the only person that is an expert at embarassing myself...I am sure there are others out there...at least I HOPE there are others out there that have done some of the things I am about to describe.

One thing I do, and it's not too embarassing if I am by myself, but still makes me hang my head in shame, is turn the radio down at the drive-up ATM machine. I know I am not the only person who does this! But sure enough, when I pull up to the ATM, I reach over and turn the volume all the way down. WHAT?! Don't judge me!! Maybe the ATM machine was having a bad day and wanted someone to talk to about it...I wouldn't have been able to hear it with my music up now, would I?!?

Another thing I tend to do more often than some is trip on air. I know for a fact I am not the only one, but that doesn't make it any less embarassing! I can just be walking along, shoes tied, not even chewing gum, and the air sticks it's foot out and trips me! It wouldn't be so bad, but I always get tripped by the air in the most embarassing places...for instance walking into the store. I am walking along, tra-la-la-la, and there just happen to be 50 people walking in right behind me, and there's that invisible foot! "WHOOOP" I exclaim as I dang near fall on my face...then of course I look behind me and scowl as if one of the people behind me tried to trip me. (This doesn't work folks if the closest person to you is 10 feet away from you!!!) So, then I just hope that no one saw it and continue on. You can never get that lucky, by the way...everyone in the WORLD saw you do it, and they are going to be laughing AT you for the rest of the day!

I know I am not the only one who has been in this situation either, but picture this... you're sitting in a nice restaurant with a guy your friend set you up with, and the waiter brings out a plate with some appetizers. They look delicious! It looks like a snack you'd never make for yourself, but it looks good. So you pick up one of the delicious smelling morsels, and since you're so sure it's going to taste good, you don't bother taking a little nibble...no, you put the whole thing in your mouth. BIG MISTAKE FOLKS!!
Just because it looks mouth-wateringly scrumptious, does NOT always mean it will be! Now you've got a mouth full of the nastiest food you've ever tasted! What are you supposed to do?! The guy sitting across from you at the table decides that this is THE moment that he wants to have a staring contest with you. "How do you like it?" he asks lovingly, not taking his eyes off of you, thus making it impossible to spit the atrocity in your mouth out into your napkin! You just nod your head and try desperately not to close your mouth all the way because if you do, the taste will envelope all of your tastebuds.
So the nastiness is sitting on the tip of your tongue and you wish with all of your might that he will look away for just ONE FREAKING SECOND, but he just won't! So somehow you manage to smile at him without closing your lips. How that's possible? Who knows?! He smiles back and refuses to look away. At this point your jaw is beyond exhausted and you know that you're either going to have to chew and swallow the gross, now incredibly soggy, mound of nastiness in your mouth or have to have corrective surgery on your jaw because of the obscure position you have locked your mouth in to avoid tasting the foulness in it's completeness.
You shift it over to the left side of your mouth and try with all of your might not to make a disgusted face as it rolls over your tastebuds... OH CRAP! You realize at this point in time that you've not been doing something that is incredibly important!! You have not been swallowing your saliva in the desperate attempt to not taste the food in your mouth. You begin to panic as you fumble for your napkin and you feel the drool running down your chin. You quickly put the napkin up to catch the drool, and of course he's seen ALL of it cause he's still winning the staring contest!
With the last ounce of willpower you have you start to swallow the, now mush, in your mouth. He smiles at you and he's got a piece of food the size of TEXAS in his teeth and the sight just happens to be the funniest thing you've seen in your life and you laugh out loud, thus spitting the food out all over the table! "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!" you exclaim still laughing uncontrollably. How embarassing! Also, this is a pretty good sign that this will be the ONLY date you'll have...that is unless he has a weird sense of humor like you do!

Another thing I have done that embarassed me was downhill skiing. It was my first time skiing EVER, and it's a very strange feeling. You get the ski boots on, and they are heavy! Then you attach them to incredibly long pieces of wood and it can be pretty comical seeing someone try this out for the first time. I am sure some people got a good giggle out of watching me my first time. I can't stay upright in the dang things! As soon as I try to move the skis cross over eachother in the front and I fall over. And when you fall, how the heck are you supposed to get back up?! I mean I am uncoordinated WITHOUT the dang skis on, how does anyone expect me to be able to function with 500 extra feet on both ends of my actual foot?! So, I finally start to get the hang of standing in the skis and decide it's time to go down a hill! The "bunny" hill that is! Yeah, it's the hill that is super tiny and all of the children are on it. It's the hill that they made specifically for kids, in fact. You hold on to a rope that is operating on a pulley system and it tugs you to the top of the "bunny" slope. Yes, they want you to grab ahold of a moving object with gloves on, and also be able to hold onto your ski poles! So, I grab ahold of the rope and I start to go up this hill...about half way up the hill my skis cross in the front and I fall over! Well, guess what?! I am NOT the only person holding onto the rope! Everyone behind me then starts falling over me because I am laying in the way...it's like a chain reaction of falling skiers and I started it! I somehow manage to wiggle my way out of the way and slide down the hill on my hind end because goodness knows, I am not going to be able to stand up on the hill in the skis!
So, I get to the bottom, get in an upright position, and after I am fairly certain that people have stopped looking at me after the incident, I decide to try again. I tuck the ski poles under my right arm and reach for the rope with my left hand. TUG, and I am on my way to the top of the bunny hill! I focus and keep my skiis from crossing and manage to get to the top of the tiny hill. After falling down a couple times trying to turn around at the top of the hill, I finally am in position to go down the hill. I see all of these BABIES on skiis just going down like professionals! I half expect some of them to do a somersault in the air or something! WHATEVER, I can go down this hill! They are children...what am I waiting for?! So, I go. Everything is going fine and I get to the bottom of the hill without falling and I coast to a nice stop. Well, I feel like I can conquer the world after this! With my new found invincibility I decide I can go on the "big people" hill...you know...the one that takes an actual ski lift to get to the top! Ski lifts...those are a whole other topic, but let me just say this...they are TERRIFYING! You know what? This is MY blog, and I will talk about them right now! So, these little benches go around and around and skiers sit down on them and are "lifted" to the top of the hill and obviously go down the hill from there. To optimize the number of people getting to the top of the hill, they have these benches spaced out about 10 inches apart from eachother!! No joke! Also, they are going about 50 miles per hour! So, there I am, barely able to stand on the dang skis and I am trying to time things just right so I can get on the ski lift. I manage to step in front of the seat and hang on for dear life as it scoops me up and dang near tosses me right out of it! Anyway, as I am nearing the top of the hill a whole new crisis enters my life...HOW DO I GET OFF OF THIS THING!?!? I carefully watch the few people on benches in front of me simply and in a carefree manner, just go from a seated position to standing and with ease slide off to the side and prepare for their descent. Realizing that I no longer want to do this, I start to panic and somehow manage to fall off of the seat at the top of the hill, of course not landing on my feet and therefore, tripping other people who are getting off of the ski lift. After being mauled by skis and snowboards and getting 10 million of the nastiest looks I've ever had in my life, I manage to work my way over to the side. After getting up on my skis I turn and look down the hill. WHAT THE HECK?!?!? Is this the top of MOUNT EVEREST?!? When did this hill become a mountain!?! Oh my goodness...now panic is truly setting in, and I am seriously regretting even coming up here... All I know is that I do NOT want to go down this hill anymore! What was I thinking?! Then I look to my right and some little 10 year old kid looks at me and grins and takes off down the hill. Great, I think to myself as I am probably the only adult up here that is terrified to the point of tears. I get myself turned so I am facing the hill and I am just trying to work up the courage to go and some idiot bumps into me! I start careening down the hill at 200 miles per hour and I am screaming at the top of my lungs! I am certain that I am about to die, but then, I realize, I am doing a pretty good job! I haven't fallen yet, and I am dodging little bumps and little kids that have fallen...yes! I can make it to the bottom of this hill! As I am nearing the bottom and I am seeing all of these people stop at the bottom of the hill, a whole new terror fills my heart and mind... I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP!!!! My senseless screaming now has meaning as I put words to it... "MOVE!!! GET OUT OF THE WAY!!! I CAN'T STOP!!!", I scream at the people below. I am going a LOT faster on this hill than on the bunny slope...and I am terrified! After several near collisions with many different people, I finally come to a stop...and then I fall over! So embarassing!

Another thing I have done is I'll be driving down the road, music blaring, and I am singing at the top of my lungs! I am jamming and I come to a stop light. I continue singing, not quite as loud, but still singing nonetheless, and I look over and realize that my window is down a little bit. And with how noise carries, my window might as well have been down ALL THE WAY! In fact, I could have just been driving around with all four windows down completely because of all the looks I was getting. Wishing I could shrink down to the size of a molecule and float away, I just turned 10 shades of red and turned my music down and I could feel all of the eyes on me. Looking straight ahead, I could feel my face getting warmer. My gosh, why the heck is this the longest light in all of eternity?! I sit there for what feels like a year and the light finally turns green. I start driving again, and OMG..it's MY FAVORITE SONG!!! I turn the volume up and start jamming again, forgetting that my window is down a little bit (yeah, I have those crank windows, the ones you have to put up and down yourself, I don't have the luxury of power windows), wash, rinse, repeat...I get to the next stop light, and what do you know? Same group of people just heard the live performance from yours truly again!... SO EMBARASSING!

Something else that happens to me more often than I think is necessary is on days when I just do NOT care what I look like. I just rolled out of bed, tossed on some jeans and an old t-shirt, pulled my hair up into a weird looking pony tail, wiped the eye liner off that was below my eyes, put on my glasses and had every intention of just lazing around the house, but we needed something at the store. Gosh dang it! I don't feel like getting all gussied up just to go to the store. So, I grab my purse, and head to the store. Heck, I only need like two things, I'll be in and out, no worries. Well, I kid you not...every single time I go to the store looking like that and with that mentality, I just happen to run into EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT I KNOW! What the heck?! I look like this, and they all look like they just stepped out of a magazine, and there they are...and here I am. So embarassing!

One other thing I do that embarasses me is if I am walking through a store or a crowd of people or something, and I see someone waving at me. They are quite far away, and I can't tell who it is. I get a little bit closer, and they keep waving at me. I smile and wave back, still not sure who they are, but obviously they know me, and I don't want to be rude and not wave back. So, I get up to them, and that is NOT a face I recognize AT ALL. Who is this person, that apparently knows who I am? I smile as I get near them, and they are looking behind me. Sheepishly, I turn around and there is the person they were ACTUALLY waving to... oh wow...and I am sure that everyone else in the world saw me do that... I hang my head and walk on.

Well, that's all for this blog. If anyone wants, you can respond to this blog with some things you do or have done that embarass you! Hope you all have a great day! Blog ya later!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

What the HECK!?!?

There are many things that happen that make me say/and or think to myself, "WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!"

For instance, when using a public restroom, I walk into the stall, shut the door, turn around and look, and "What do you know?", the last person didn't feel it was necessary to flush their excrement down the toilet!!! What the heck?!?! That's so disgusting! Would you leave floaters in your own toilet at home?! What gave them the idea that it is ok to leave that in a toilet that many people will use throughout the day?! Would they leave a surprise like that for a guest in their own home?! I don't think so!!!
Another toilet issue I come across from time to time (WAY more often than I think is even remotely right) is PEE ON THE TOILET SEAT! What the heck?!?! Were they trying to "hover" over the toilet seat so as to not have to actually put their hind end on the toilet seat, thus peeing ALL OVER THE SEAT?! Were they peeing in a cup, perhaps, and then when they went to pour it into the toilet decided, "Hmm...let me pour this all over the seat instead, it will be a lovely surprise for the next user of this stall."  Or maybe they just didn't wipe and when they went to stand up they dripped pee all over the seat...who knows?! Bottom line is this...WIPE IT OFF! It's your bodily function...NOT MINE! And I do not, under any circumstances want to sit in someone elses urine! Nor do I think it should be my responsibility to clean the toilet before I use it! It has happened to me a couple of times, when I had to go SO bad, I was about to wet myself, and I didn't have time to look at the seat before I sat down...big mistake folks! Because EVERY time that happens to me, I sit down and sure enough...someone decided to have target practice with the toilet, and I just sat in their inaccurate aim!!!!! There is nothing that can be done at this point. The damage has already been done...all I can do is make sure to take a very thorough shower as soon as I get home! Also...don't you just HATE the toilets that flush automatically? (I mean, how lazy are we, really?!) Sure it is kinda nice, especially for the people that I mentioned at the beginning of this blog...the ones who feel they are above and beyond those of us who flush...
Automatic flushers...*sigh*...There are a few different instances that occur with these kinds of toilets...for instance, the kind that are WAY TOO POWERFUL! You know? The ones that practically suck you into the toilet before you get a chance to stand up all the way! You feel the suction on your hind end and you grab ahold of the little hook on the door and try to keep yourself from being flushed down the toilet! It's insane! Those are the loudest ones too...it sounds like there is a hurricane/tornado/thunderstorm right by your butt as soon as you stand  up!!  It's sort of terrifying! 
You better hope that you don't have to take off a coat, or do much of anything before you sit down with an automatic toilet...the reason is this: If they sense movement...well...they FLUSH! So, let's say you took your coat off, hung it on the hook, got your bottoms pulled down, and your hind end is about to hit the toilet seat...well at this very moment, the toilet is sure that you are finished and have just stood up..so it flushes, and at this point you are already sitting and nothing can be done, and you get a soaked hind end! Dang automatic toilets! This can also be an issue when you are finished and you are putting your coat back on...the toilet thinks, "Oh, another person is done!" and flushes, thus spitting toilet bowl water ALL OVER YOUR LEGS! Lovely... ah the wonderful technology that allows us to not have to manually flush the toilets.
I mean, what brought these toilets to be? Did someone break their hand while trying to flush the toilet? Did someone fall in the toilet while trying to reach back and manually push on the lever to flush the toilet?! I mean, really, it wasn't that difficult to flush the toilet...but apparently, it was a huge inconvenience for someone...

Now I am going to discuss some things about movie theaters... Well, my sister and I pride ourselves in being the FIRST ones into the theater so we can get our favorite seats! All the way at the top + the two seats RIGHT IN THE CENTER of the row = PERFECTION! Well, we know it's going to be a crappy experience and our whole lives are about to crumble to pieces when we get to our seats and one of them is broken!!! Couple of questions here... "WHO, WHAT, WHY, WHEN, HOW do you break a seat in the theater?!?!" I mean, what the heck?!?!?! Was someone jumping on the seat? Was someone so incredibly excited about the movie that they were bouncing up and down on the seat and broke it?! How?!
Anyway, so we have to move down a few seats from the center (thus making this a less than perfect experience) and we sit down. Ok, whatever...this is still going to be an enjoyable experience...or so we think. That is until the next couple of people who come into the theater just happen to be the TALLEST PEOPLE IN FORT WAYNE, INDIANA!!!! And would you believe it?! No, you probably can't, but the seats that they just happen to choose are the seats directly in front of us!!! No kidding! So, now apart from not having our perfect center seats we now have Jolly Green and Mrs. Jolly Green GIANTS sitting in front of us!
So, we decide to move. We move over a few more seats (moving even farther away from perfection) and we sit down. At least this way there won't be two heads "starring" in the movie we are about to watch.
Well, it's a small crowd (this movie has been in theaters for quite a while now) and there are empty seats EVERYWHERE! Aside from us, and the giants there are about 5 other people in the whole theater...and in walk the dreaded group of teenage kids! Yeah, you all know them! The ones that talk through the WHOLE MOVIE! Yep, there they are...great. And guess what?! It might as well have been a sold out theater because even though there are empty seats all over the place, the seats that they choose are RIGHT NEXT TO US! Come on!!! REALLY?!?! So, here I am...sitting right next to a stranger and her boyfriend and her friend, and her friend's boyfriend and some other dude (the 5th wheel, maybe?). I can already tell this is going to be a horrible experience for me because the "couples" next to me have already begun to think that they just checked into a motel room instead of entered a movie theater! That's right, they already have their tongues down eachother's throats and are giggling and talking and being loud and obnoxious. WHAT THE HECK!?
I just look at my sister, roll my eyes, and just hope that I don't have to beat anyone senseless before the end of the movie. So, I am watching the movie and all I can hear is "Sluuuurp, suuuuckie, slurrrrrp"(yeah, those are my kissing noises)... Yeah, I am pretty dang sure I didn't come to a porno movie...funny...that's all I am hearing...I am also pretty sure I didn't pay $12.50 for a ticket to listen to this crap! They are LUCKY the movie is ending because I am on the verge of beating someone's face in at this point!!! Just because these kids have rich mommy's and daddy's that pay for their hotel passes...I mean MOVIE passes, doesn't mean that people who actually EARN a living and pay good money to actually WATCH the movie don't want to enjoy them!!! $12.50 might not seem like a lot of money to someone who has it handed to them, but when you have to calculate your income then subtract actual bills, and are fortunate that there is $12.50 left to enjoy a movie...well, then $12.50 is a LOT!
That brings me to another issue...if you're going to a movie on a budget...forget snacks, unless you have some limbs to spare!!! "I'll have a large popcorn and a large drink, please". "Ok, that will be $1,056.99. Will that be cash or credit? If you don't have the funds for this, we have these applications for credit cards, we will need you to fill this out and if you are approved, you can purchase these items. OR, you can pay $10.00 and give us one finger, a toe, and an earlobe!"
What the HECK!? Since when was it ok to practically rob people who are trying to do something outside of the house?! I remember when movies were .50 cents and snacks were cheap too...now you pay almost $13.00 just to watch it and if you want the delicious snacks you have to pay with your first born child!! Crazy times we are living in, I swear!!!

Anyway...I think that's enough for this blog...I'll blog ya later!!! :D

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Mouth full?? Oh! Well, answer this!!

How many of you have ever been to a restaurant? No, not drive-thru, not even fast food, I am talking about a good ol' fashioned sit down restaurant. I am sure everyone has been to one at some point in their lives.

Anyway, I am going to type about a few things that just drive me bonkers at a restaurant. First thing you do, obviously, is walk in...and if you're lucky (which usually I am not) you don't have to wait to be seated. Don't get me wrong, I'd almost prefer to have to wait to be seated because then they know you're there. It only happened to me once, and I will never forget it, but I walked into a restaurant and it seemed like it was busy enough that I shouldn't have been able to seat myself, but the sign said, "Please seat yourself", so, I did.
I found a table and me and my friend sat down. We waited...talked for a bit, and waited... Waiters and waitresses kept passing our table and I was sure that one of them was going to stop, but they didn't. So after about 10 minutes of waiting, I stopped one of them. "Excuse me", I said, "Can we get some service?"
"OH MY GOODNESS! You haven't been waited on?!" he asked. "Um...no." I replied. (Does it look like we've been waited on??? The silverware is still rolled up in the napkin, we have no food, not even drinks on this table...duh genius!) "I am sorry! Let me...get your waiter."
REALLY?! I mean, I know they are assigned to tables and whatnot, but can't they help eachother out?? I mean, couldn't that person have at least gotten us a drink?!?
So we wait a few more minutes and finally our waiter shows up...now I am generally a calm and nice person, but if you make me wait 10 minutes before even acknowledging my existence and then you come over to my table and talk to me and treat me like I just ruined your ENTIRE LIFE, well, I am not going to be happy about it!! Don't get me wrong, I know and understand that in every single person's life they are bound to have a bad day here and there. Totally understandable...but what is NOT understandable or acceptable is taking your bad day out on the people who are there to provide YOUR paycheck!!!
We got horrible service that visit, so they got a tiny tip. That's how I work. I am a good tipper. I really understand and appreciate people in "customer service-like" positions. Treat me well and I'll return the favor. Not a "people-person"? You're in the wrong line of work, buddy!

Anyway, some classic annoyances in a sit down restaurant...
Let's say you're out with 3 buddies. You get seated and your server comes and takes your drink order. Two of you order DIET coke and the other two order regular coke. Your server brings your drinks and let me tell you, it is quite a shock to the taste buds when you go to take a nice big gulp of regular coke and they accidentally gave you your friends diet coke!!!
So, since we are friends, we just keep our straws and switch glasses. That problem solved.
So we wait, just sipping on our beverages and chatting and our server comes back to take our orders.
We order our meals, then continue chatting. After about 15 minutes, here comes our food. It looks delicious!! The server sets it down in front of us and asks if we're alright. At this point I am about to start drooling all over the table because I am hungry and the food looks so good. "We're fine" I say to him as I place my napkin in my lap and pick up my fork in preparation to dig in!
So he walks away and we all start eating. The food is great! But then something happens that I am sure has happened to EVERYONE...
I just stuck a forkful of food into my mouth and out of thin air, our server appears!!
"How is everything?!" he asks with a grin.
What the heck dude!!!???!!! Did you not just see me shove a bunch of food into my mouth?! And now you want to come and talk? Couldn't you have waited until you saw I wasn't chewing? Of course not!!
I swear they do this on purpose because it happens frequently!
So, you have a few options here...
1. You can hold up a finger, finish chewing, swallow, and say "Everything's fine". OR
2. You could do the "Everything is fine" nod, where you continue to chew, look up at them and give a little grin (you could even throw in a 'thumbs-up' gesture at this time) OR
3. You could forget all of your manners and, with food falling out of your face, say, "It's good". Thus spitting food all over the place! (serves them right for asking you in mid-chew to talk!)

If you want to avoid that uncomfortable situation altogether, you can do what I do. Yeah, it's kinda like spying, so you can make a game of it. It's called, "Where is the server?!" It is where you keep the server or at least attempt to keep the server in your eyesight at ALL TIMES! Then you eat comfortably as long as they are in your sight and are a safe distance from your table. Yep, I like to play it safe when I am eating in a restaurant.
But I am sure all of the servers stand there behind the wall..."OH! Guy at table 5 just took a huge bite! MOVING IN!!" Then "Tra-la-la-la" they come skipping out to your table and ask you the dreaded question.

Speaking of servers, there are two different kinds: The ones that are NEVER THERE and the ones you wish would GO AWAY!

The 'never there' ones never really come to your table except to take your order, give you your food, and take your payment. So you're outta luck if you are out of your beverage and are parched or just ate something spicy, cause little did you know, your server is a magician!!! Yep, he made himself disappear!

Well, then there's the extreme opposite server...he's the one that you wish would leave you alone to eat in peace. He's the one that practically sits down at your table with you and asks for a detailed play-by-play and description of each bite you take! He's the one that you learn the whole life story of. He's the one that could walk out of the restaurant with you when you leave and you'd think nothing of it because it felt like you just had a meal together.
I know that's all bad stuff, but at least you'll never be without a constant beverage and if you need extra napkins, no problem!...since your server is right there in your pocket!!!

I don't think I need to mention much about food being too hot, or too cold, or not done enough...we have all run into that a time or two I am sure. It's annoying!

A little off topic, but still sort of on topic, is something that takes place at the dentist office...
So, you get all seated in the chair and the hygienist comes in to check and clean your teeth before the dentist does. Something happened to me, and I will never forget it, I think I am scarred for life...but I was laying there and the lady had both of her hands in my mouth working on my teeth, but apparently she didn't notice (or didn't think it'd bother me) but while she was leaning over to reach into my mouth...her BOOB was resting on the side of my face!!!! NO JOKE! This is traumatizing for a young kid!! So, after that incredibly uncomfortable situation, in comes the dentist to look at my teeth. He doesn't say a word apart from, "How are you today?" and I respond, "I am alright."
Then he leans me back in the chair and begins looking at my teeth. After he has all of the tools that were laying on the little tray in my mouth along with his two hands, he decides he wants to have a conversation with me!!!! And no, he doesn't just ask simple "Yes" or "No" questions! He wants to learn all about my life!!! "How's your family doing?" he asks. "Oh, taoiehalkj, aogieaoig, goooo", I respond as clearly as I possibly can since I have the entire dentist office in my mouth!!! "Oh, really? That's good. What do you have planned for the summer?"
REALLY DUDE?!?! You can't just say, "So, your family is doing well?", then I could simply say, "Uh huh".
And why couldn't he ask these questions before he stuck the whole WORLD in my mouth?!?!?!

Geez...well...that's that for this blog. Take care all!!  Blog you later!! :D

Monday, April 4, 2011

Road Rage? What's that? I don't have ROAD RAGE!!!!!

I consider myself to be a pretty good driver. I've never been in any accidents that I have caused, and I've never had a speeding ticket. (Now that I have said that, I am probably going to get pulled over and then I'll rear-end someone after that because I'll be so flustered about being pulled over!)

Anywho, so let me just discuss a few things that get my blood boiling when I am behind the wheel...

Alright, now I know for a fact that I am not the only one who does the "Posted Speed Limit + 5 miles per hour = The Real Speed Limit" thing, so don't pretend that you don't! So, I'm cruising along at the "real speed limit" and people are passing me!! Yeah, I guess for some people the equation is, "Posted Speed Limit + 25 miles per hour = 'What I will drive until I see a cop car', then it will be 'Posted Speed Limit -5 miles per hour, until I am out of view of the cop car.'"

Anyway, most of us have made up our own speed limits, but one thing I canNOT stand, is when I am going 5 miles per hour over the posted speed limit and someone starts "riding me" like I am going slow or something!  GO AROUND ME!!!!! For crying out loud!! Push on your accelerator a little more and drive around me! Don't get so dangerously close to the back of my car with yours! And I love it, how they stare into YOUR rear view mirror, giving you the nastiest look like you are committing some sort of crime or something, and they are about to murder your first born child of you don't speed up. Well guess what, jerks?
That sort of attitude does NOT intimidate me! In fact, it infuriates me, and it doesn't make me want to go faster, no no no, it makes me want to go SLOWER! So, being the mature person that I am, I tap on the brakes...This drives them crazy! So their natural reaction is to do what they should have done in the first stinking place, and that is to DRIVE AROUND ME!

So, as they start to go around me, well, I do what I must do, and that is to speed back  up.
What?!?! They had every opportunity to just go around me, but did they?? NO! They decided to make this a war, not me! Well, they started a war that they're not going to win!
I never do let them pass me, why you ask? Because it's the principle of the matter, they could have done the right thing, but didn't.

So anyway, I get to my destination, and the shopping mall parking lot is complete chaos! I am driving up and down the aisles looking for a parking space, when all of the sudden some jerk who is not even paying attention starts to back out of a space and they almost hit my car! Do I honk at them? No! This is not Chicago or New York, so I back up a bit and sit there and give them the look of death (you know? The one where you are peering into their soul?) and I see them look toward my car and they clearly notice my car, but they always manage to avoid looking into my eyes that are burning with anger. They look around like nothing is wrong and nonchalantly back out of the space.  Well, I start to cool off a little bit, because at the very least I will get this decent parking space they are pulling out of.

Wait a minute...they are backing out towards my car and there's another car coming around from the other side...NO!!!!!! This is not happening to me!! Well, yes it is, that other car pulls into MY parking space and I am left sitting there feeling like my whole world is crashing down. So, I do what anyone else would do and I pull up behind the "Space Stealers" and I give them the look of death!! Not that it does much good, but at least I made my point and gave them something to talk about for about 10 minutes.

So, I keep driving around looking for a parking space and I get behind a group of about 8 teenagers, walking down the MIDDLE OF THE AISLE! I guess that the whole "Single File" walking in Kindergarten never stuck with them! I mean, SERIOUSLY! Get out of the middle of the freaking aisle way!!! It wouldn't be such a blood boiler if they weren't walking so dang slow!!
They'd be running if it were getting in line for tickets to a Justin Bieber concert, but now's not the time to show enthusiasm, nope, they are too cool to walk quickly. Some of them could probably walk faster if they'd pull their pants up! I mean, come on!! No one wants to see your underwear! Also, if God had intended for us to look like and walk like penguins, He wouldn't have given us two separate legs! No, He would have just stuck our feet to our butts and we'd be waddling everywhere. But we have two legs, and "pants" that are worn to keep those legs separate and fully able to function at a normal capacity, but hey, maybe they are all doing science projects on the lifestyle of a penguin and they are trying to "im-penguin-ate" them! Get it? Instead of "Impersonate"? lol! Oh dear...

Anyway, clothing choices, that's a whole other Blog...
Another parking lot issue I constantly run into "almost literally" sometimes, is shopping carts. Seriously people, there are these things in parking lots, big metal structures called "CART RETURNS"! When you're done with your cart, the carts are supposed to be placed in the cart return! Not left in the empty parking space next to yours! Because then that causes a lot of unnecessary stress and anger for people (like me) who are trying to find a parking space and find out that there's a shopping cart in the space!
It's about as frustrating as finding a motorcycle or a Smart Car in a space that you think is available. Put the cart away!! It's not that difficult! You just got done walking up and down every aisle in the store and you're telling me that you're too tired to walk another 10 feet to a cart return? Come on! What really chafes my hind end is when you see carts literally RIGHT NEXT TO THE CART RETURN!! Right next to it?? Come on people!! You're telling me that you couldn't push the cart another couple inches into the cart return?!
I can see it now, they just finished walking 3 miles through the store, they walk all the way out to their car which is parked very conveniently right next to a cart return, they load their groceries into their vehicle and are so beyond exhaustion at this point. They lack any and all motivation and if they take one more step, they might collapse due to the strenuous activities they had just partaken in. With the last ounce of strength and willpower, they push the card 1/2 inch and there it sits, right outside the cart return. Unable to carry on with the agony and stress anymore, they get into their vehicle and leave. Do they even realize or care what kind of "stress" and "agony" they are causing for other people? My guess is, they don't.
Anyway, so on the way home, I just hope that there are more normal drivers. I can't get that fortunate, who am I kidding?!

So, I am sitting in the right turn lane behind another car...Yes, our light is red, however, you can turn if you see that there are no other cars coming...does this guy turn? No...of course not. He sits there for a whole minute until we have a green light! No biggie, I can get over that, I guess. 

So, I am driving down the road and I get behind someone who is kind of swerving all over the road...wait a second...is there even anyone driving this car?? I can't see a head over the headrest...is this a runaway car?!?! What's going on here? And why is it having a hard time staying in it's lane?? I get up next to it, and see a "baby" driving the car! Yes, it's just a kid (teenagers who are old enough to drive anymore these days are looking younger and younger, before you know it, there's going to be a baby car seat in the driver's seat and that kid is going to be 16!...just wait!) So, they are barely able to see over the dashboard and they are driving all over the place, so I speed up to get past them.  I come to another stop light, and you know how I was complaining about the guy who wouldn't turn when he could, even though the light was red? Well, how about the people who don't go when the light is GREEN?! Yeah, those are great people...they are looking around, daydreaming...again, do I honk? Nah...I scream at them. "GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COME ON MOVE!!! THE LIGHT IS GREEN!!!!  AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" I shout at the top of my lungs! Yeah, I know, they don't hear me, but I feel a little bit better about my life if I yell at people. See, I don't like confrontation, so if I yell at them from the comfort of my own car, and they can't hear me, it's better for me. So, I sit through another light because they realized at the very last second that the light was green, and they speed through the yellow light, and I have to wait!
Another thing that drives me crazy, when I am at a stoplight and the person or people in the car next to me is staring at me!!! What the heck?!?! Do I have something hanging off my face? Is there a space alien making faces at you from the backseat of my car?? Stop looking at me!! Keep your eyes ahead of you on the road! I hate it when people do this because you can "feel" their eyes on you!! It's so uncomfortable and you have to sit there and endure it until the light turns green...so finally the light turns green and you try to get ahead of them. You think you are in the clear when you come to another red light, and guess who pulls up next to you? Yep, that's right...the STARERS! Apparently that alien is still in your backseat because they can't keep their eyes off of your car...good grief folks! This makes it so uncomfortable for me in particular, because one thing about me...I like to jam in my car when I am driving...yep, I like to sing along with songs while I am driving. Well, if every time I stop, people are looking at me like I just birthed a Sasquatch, it makes it difficult to move my mouth with the lyrics. I am not the type of person that can just jam at a stoplight, head bobbing, singing along, windows down...I wish I had that confidence, but those are the types I giggle at. I look at them and I am like, "Wow, they must really like that song!!" But I am the type that if I come to a stoplight I will just mumble the lyrics or cover my mouth while I sing along...no one needs to know I am singing!

I also hate it when people cut me off!!! If you knew you needed to be in the lane I am in, get in behind me!! Don't speed up and practically run me off the road to get into this lane!! Even more than that, the ones that just tick me right off are the ones that cut me off and then go SLOW!!! If you're going to be a jerk and cut me off, at least be a jerk that goes FAST when you cut me off! When someone cuts me off, I go around them, and I purposefully give them a mean look when I drive past them, because yes, they just ruined my life for a few minutes!

There are many kinds of driving experiences to be had out there...but as for road rage, I'd say that maybe I have a little "LOT" of it! Just a teensy tiny "TON" of it! Not too much, just a BUNCH of it!
How about you? Got any road rage? I bet if you look deep down inside, you have a little "Road Rage" monster that works his way out every once in a while. Some more than others, but just remember, it's not YOU that's the bad driver...it's EVERYONE ELSE!!! :D

Friday, April 1, 2011

I am BLOG-tastic! Thanks for asking!!!

Hello my blog readers! How are you doing today?  I can't help but notice that I have had a lot of readers of my last blog (Movie Quote blog), but I haven't been getting any comments. :(  This saddens me. So, in this blog, I am just going to ask a few questions about YOU (the reader). Please, respond in a comment to my questions. I just want to get to know who my readers are.  I know some of you personally and others I don't know at all. Let's get to know eachother a little bit! Shall we? As I ask the questions, I will put MY answers to the questions as well, so you can learn a few things about me as well.  Maybe instead of just being BLOGquaintences, we can be BLOGuddies. I know I am weird...I am sure you have figured that out already.  Anyway...the QUESTIONS! :D

1. What is your name?  My name is Jessica (nice to meet you)
2. What is your QUEST? My quest is to seek the Holy Grail! (sorry, just HAD to do that!!!)
3. What is your favorite color? My favorite color is blue.
4. How old are you? I am 27 (yeah, that's in my bio already, I know, and you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, of course)
5. Do you have any siblings? How many? Yes, I do. I have 3 sisters.
6. Do you have any pets? I have 3 cats (Snitchel, Vincent, and Mica) and a dog (Luna)
7. What is your favorite movie? Mine is Fiddler on the Roof.
8. What is your least favorite chore to do around the house? My least favorite would have to be dishes! (we don't have a dishwasher...well, we do, but it's name is Jessica)
9. Are you right or left handed (or perhaps ambidexterous)?  I am right-handed.
10. Where are you from? I am in Fort Wayne, Indiana, USA
11. What is your favorite kind of music? I like ALL kinds of music. There isn't really a genre of music that I can't find something to like in.
12. What is your natural hair color? Mine is brown.
13. What color are your eyes? Mine are REALLY dark brown. They look black most of the time.
14. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go? I'd like to visit the United Kingdom.
15. Do you have any piercings and/or tattoos? I have each ear pierced twice and I have a tattoo of a small butterfly on my lower back.
16. What is your favorite meal of all time? Mine is a nice steak, a baked potato, and a salad.
17. Have you ever found a four leaf clover? I sure have!! (It didn't bring me extra luck, but it was cool to find)
18. Do you like dill pickles or sweet pickles better? DILL ALL THE WAY!! :D
19. What is your favorite pizza topping? Mine is definitely pepperoni.
20. Have you ever ridden on a horse? Yes, I have. And it was great fun!!
21. Do you speak multiple languages? If so, how many, and which ones? I really only speak English, I know a little bit of Spanish and can say "Hello" in a couple of other languages. :)
22. Have you ever sneezed so hard that you had to check the tissue to make sure that part of your brain didn't come out through your nose?? Yes...and it is SO painful! There weren't any brain particles, but it felt like I had sneezed my brain out. OUCH!
23. Have you ever had stitches? Yes, I have. 3 times. Once when I cut my finger (2 stitches), once when I had a procedure done on my ear (2 stitches), and when I had two wisdom teeth cut out (1 stitch each).
24. Do you have a significant other? Yes, I do. I have a fiance.
25. It's Friday night, would you rather: Stay in and watch movies? or Go out and PARTY like an animal? I am really kind of a home body. I like to be home. So, for me, it'd be stay in and watch movies.
27. If you could have one special power, what would you pick?  I'd love to be able to read minds!
28. What is one thing you hate about yourself? I don't really care for my body structure...
29. What is one thing you like about yourself? I like to think I am a good friend. I am very caring.
30. What was the last movie you saw in a movie theater? I saw Paul!!! It is hilarious!
31. Just by looking around from where you are sitting, what is something near you that is the color GREEN? My shirt is green.
32. Do you blog? (If so, please put a link to your blog page, I'd like to follow you). Well, obviously I do...you're reading it right now. :P
33. Are you allergic to anything? If so, what? Yes, I am allergic to Tetanus shots...gotta look out for those rusty nails and rabid dogs. :P
34. If you were stranded on an island, what are 2 things you'd want an endless supply of? Well, probably fresh water...and sun screen! :D  I can catch/find food. :)
35.  Have you ever said anything to someone that you wish you could take back? Yes, I have told some people that I hate them...when in all actuality, I don't hate THEM, I just hate what they did to me.
36. What size shoe do you wear?  I wear an 8.5.
37. Have you ever wished on a shooting star?  Yes, but it didn't come true.
38. Did you notice that there is no question #26? Of course I noticed...I typed it. :P
39. Do you enjoy my blogs? Well, I hope you enjoy them. I know I enjoy typing them!
40. Will you have a good day today? I am going to try to have one... I sure hope that you do too!!!

Please respond in comments to these questions. I'd like to know who my readers are. :)
Also, if for any reason you don't want me to post your comments, just let me know...I will respect your wishes and keep your comment to myself. If you don't mind your comment being posted, I will post it. :)

Thanks so much readers, and have a most fantastically, BLOGerrific day!!!


Thursday, March 31, 2011

Movie Quote Fanatics...this Blog is for YOU!

In this bloggy-blog, I am going to put a lot of movie quotes. Please respond to this blog and tell me what movie (you can even tell me the name of the character who said the quote) it is from! This is my first "Interactive" Blog...I want YOUR response.  In about two weeks from now, I will post a blog with the answers! Do you have a know-it-all friend that thinks they know every line of every movie?  Send this to them! Let them try it out too! Let's see what you've got my little blog readers!!!  Good luck! And don't forget to send your answers in a comment!  I do want to warn you, however, that I will NOT be posting your comments to this blog, UNTIL I put out the blog giving the answers. I don't want to ruin the experience for anyone. So, let's see whatchya got!

1. "In Europe, it's not considered unusual for three or four men to share a bed."

2. "Ho, what did I say? Did you hear what I said? I heard what I said 'cause I was standing there when  I said it."

3. "What I am saying to you, is that you are the kind of club-toting, raw-meat-eating, Me-Tarzan-You-Jane-ing big bald bubblehead who can only count to ten if he's barefoot or wearing sandals."

4. "Wow! Theres a big surprise! I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die, from that surprise."

5. "The first boy I ever kissed ended up in a coma for three weeks. I can still feel him inside my head. It's the same with you."

6. "You're not quite evil enough. You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough."

7. "Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple."

8. "It's not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good."

9. "The ablilty to speak does not make you intelligent."

10. "Feminine weaknesses and fainting spells are the direct result of our confining young girls to the house, bent over their needlework, and restrictive corsets."

11. "In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and - SNAP - the job's a game!"

12. "You can take our car, and you can take our keys, but you cannot take away our dreams!"

13. "I run my unit how I run my unit. You want to investigate me, roll the dice and take your chances. I eat breakfast 300 yard from 4000 Cubans who are trained to kill me, so don't think for one second that you can come down here, flash a badge, and make me nervous."

14. "Y'know, this was supposed to be my weekend off, but noooo. You got me out here draggin' your heavy ass through the burnin' desert with your dreadlocks stickin' out the back of my parachute. You gotta come down here with an attitude, actin' all big and bad... and what the hell is that smell? I could've been at a barbecue!"

15. "Here it goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!"

16. "I understand you may have had sexual relations with my daughter before, but under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway! So just keep your snake in its cage for 72 hours."

17. "Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!"

18. "I've been dead once already; it's very liberating. You might think of it as... therapy."

19. "Hey, maybe you haven't been keeping up on current events, but we just got our asses kicked pal!"

20. "I want rustlers, cutthroats, murders, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con-men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglars, horse thieves, bull-dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, sh**-kickers, and Methodists!"

21. "You're a . . . You're a complex Freudian hallucination having something to do with my mother, and I don't know why you have wings, but you have very lovely legs, and you're a very nice tiny person, and what am I saying, I don't know who my mother was--I'm an orphan--and I've never taken drugs, because I missed the sixties, I was an accountant."

22. "Those who are bound by desire, can see only that which can be held in their hands."

23. "You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland. And, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."

24. "If we give into those people, we're giving into all the cute and fuzzy bunnies in the world."

25. "Good luck to you, too. Well, actually, I take that back. I hope you don't do well at all. Now that I think about it, I hope you get violated by pig-monkey men in the woods."

26. "My brains, his steal, and your strength, against 60 men. And, you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy?"

27. "Listen pal, you're client's a scumbag, you're a scumbag, and scumbags see the judge on Monday morning."

28. "A Jose Canseco bat? Tell me, you didn't pay money for this."

29. "Well, what have we got here. Will you look at her. Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling lips. You know something princess, you are ugly when you're angry."

30. "I take pleasure in guttin' you, boy. I take pleasure in guttin' you, boy!"

31. "Can you see her?  Now imagine she's white."

32. "The heavenly aroma still hung heavy in the house, but it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches, no turkey salad, no turkey gravy, turkey hash, turkey a la king, or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, all gone!"

33. "Don't you ever talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends! You don't look at any of my friends! And, you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends! So you just stick to the things you know: shopping, nail polish, your father's B.M.W., and your poor, rich, drunk mother in the Caribbean!"

34. "The appropriate question is 'when the hell are they?!'"

35. "Here are Scotland's terms: Lower your flags and march straight back to England. Stopping at every home you pass by to beg forgiveness for 100 years of theft, rape, and murder. Do that, and your men shall live. Do it not, and everyone of you will die today."

36. "I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting A LOT of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, hey, what's up guys? Want some crack? I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out."

37. "It ain't fittin'... it ain't fittin'. It jes' ain't fittin'... It ain't fittin'."

38. "Why don't you boys go down to Wall Street and find some real crooks? Whoever sold you those suits had a wonderful sense of humor."

39. "As long as we can destroy 'em faster than they can make 'em, we'll come out on top."

40. "Five thousand of my men are out there in the freezing mud. Three thousand of them are bloodied and cleaved. Two thousand will never leave this place. I will not believe they fought and died for nothing."

There you have it folks!  GOOD LUCK!  Please send your responses to me in a comment...if you don't know it, OH WELL! Just guess or skip it!  Have fun with this...let's see what you know!  Again, like I said, I will not be posting your comments until the challenge is over and I have posted the answers, so that no fun is ruined for anyone else.  If I get a good enough response from this, I may do song lyrics or more movies in a future blog.  Also, please share this with other people, especially if you know someone who knows every single quote of every single movie!

Thanks, and have a great day all! :D

Saturday, March 26, 2011

You can't spell Diet without DIE!!!

I would like to dedicate this blog to all of the people out there who have ever tried a diet/exercise/weight loss plan thingy. Hmm...where to begin?  Well, I know that everyone who has started a diet plan starts with so much passion, so much desire to succeed, and so much willingness to do WHATEVER it takes to accomplish the goal. If only dieting was as simple as "wishing" the pounds away... Ok, let me get out of my dream here and lets look at the facts!

When you start a diet, you don't quite realize what you're getting yourself into until you are a couple weeks in. Most diet plans consist of eating NEXT TO NOTHING, five times a day! I know diets sound great because they are like, YOU NEED TO EAT about 5 times a day! Well, yeah, you eat 5 croutons a day! Occasionally you can have a salad to put those 5 croutons on. And you have to drink so much water everyday that your day ends up consisting of you either floating through the day or going to the bathroom every 5 minutes because you're about to drown internally in your own urine!
So anyway, you eat your 5 croutons and drink your 5 gallons of water a day, and you're feeling pretty dang good about yourself...that is until you run into complications. WHAT? You didn't actually expect a diet to be EASY, did you?!?!  There are SO many bumps on the diet road....that's putting it lightly...there are BUMPS, POTHOLES, TRENCHES, and HUGE WALLS on the road of dieting! There is ALWAYS something there to tempt you.
For instance, let's say you are sitting there nibbling on your noon-time crouton and in walks someone with a huge juicy burger and some french fries and a coke! I swear these people know when you're dieting...they SEEK YOU OUT and torture you with the delicious aroma... Now you have to swallow the soggy crouton that got so drenched from the drooling you were doing smelling that delicious food! You look at them and they look right back at you, smile an evil smile of death, and take a HUGE bite out of the burger. You watch in complete agony and you can feel your stomach trying to break its way out of your body to go jump in someone else's body so it can actually get some food!!
Wait a second...you're better than this...you can defeat this temptation. So, you pick up your gallon of water, and you take a huge gulp and you smile back at that no good, sorry, worthless, waste of space, and you walk away. (You sure showed him! I bet he was so jealous of the gallon of water and soggy crouton, he is probably wishing he'd had that instead of the burger now!)

Family is another problem in just about every dieters life. Yeah, you are on the diet, but they are not. And they make sure you KNOW that! While you are having your delectable crouton for dinner, they are having steaks on the grill, baked potatoes and corn on the cob...oh, and for dessert chocolate cake with chocolate icing! Guess what YOU get for dessert? Yep, that's right...WATER! Enjoy!

Holidays are also a dieters NIGHTMARE! I mean, really, if I am on a diet, and it's Thanksgiving, I'd rather stay home and give my thanks from there, because I will not be feeling very "Thankful" to be surrounded by TONS of food that I can not partake in! And diet gurus tell you, "Well, just don't eat as much. Just eat a little bit and you will be fine!" They think anyone would have the self control to have just the tiniest slice of turkey, 1 tablespoon of mashed potatoes, 1/3 teaspoon of gravy, (skip the stuffing, it's too fattening), 1 crumb of a roll, 1greenbean of greenbean casserole, and no pumpkin pie? Heck NO! I want a couple slices of turkey, half a pan of mashed potatoes, 1 cup of gravy, a spoonful of stuffing, 1 (maybe 2) rolls, plenty of greenbean casserole, and half of a pumpkin pie topped in half of a tub of cool whip!!!! I want to stuff myself SO full that I can hardly breathe! But no! I can't do that... I am on a diet!!!!!

So, obviously there are plenty of hard situations that come along in a dieters life, but the ones with true desire can accomplish anything they set their mind to. And that's all it is, really...a mind game. Heck, next time you see someone walking around with a burger (and you have that crouton), try this thought method...just picture that burger duct-taped to your butt cheeks!!! See that delicious cake? Picture it strapped to your thighs!  It's mind over matter, and if you just picture that food stuck all over your body, maybe it might not be so tempting. OR you could just walk up to "Burger Boy" and SMACK HIM ACROSS THE FACE!!! That might work wonders too. :D

So...most diets have something else they like to toss at you...a lot of them like to hit you with this line, "Most diet plans have better results if done with an EXERCISE Program" Yeah, on top of not being able to eat, they want you to exercise as well!
So, here we go to the GYM!!!!!

So, I get to the gym and my first thought is, "Why are these people here working out?  They all just look like they stepped out of a magazine or off of a runway...why are they here?!?!" So, now I feel like I am the fattest, most unfit person in the entire gym, and I am sure EVERY single person there is looking at me and thinking "Just go back to your couch...eat some twinkies, and leave the working out to us beautiful people!"
Once I get past that thought, I get on the treadmill and start walking. I walk for about 3 minutes and I have to stop...why? Because I have to pee so bad from my crouton/water diet!!!!! After using the restroom, I come back out and my treadmill is no longer available, so I decide to do some machines. I walk back to the ab machines and sit down and start working out...I am feeling pretty good...then just as I have my midsection in full extension, I hear,
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" "UUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" "GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH" What the heck??? Is there a mother gorilla giving birth in the back of the gym?!?!?!? 
No...it's the hardcore weight lifting men. I know they are just trying to get a good intense workout...but COME ON! I have to workout here too, and it's hard to workout when I am laughing on the inside!! Have you ever been laughing and because of the giggles your arms have now become USELESS? Yeah, that happened to me! I couldn't do anything because my arms were so weak from the giggles that were going through my body!   Screw this...I'll come back tomorrow!

So, I leave and head home and every single fast food restaurant is calling my name on the way. "Look at me! I have a lovely cheeseburger with your name all over it...and I love you (to spend money here)"

It's a never ending cycle. Temptation here, things you can't have there, and it sucks!

So, if you are starving all the time, peeing all the time, and completely miserable, and wish you could DIE...you, my friend, are probably on a DIEt!

P.S. I am starting a diet tomorrow...wish me luck. =/

Friday, March 25, 2011

One size fits ALL? REALLY?

Hello Folks! In this blog I am going to discuss something that has never made sense to me.
Ever go shopping and find a piece of clothing and you look for the size and it simply says, "One Size Fits All"? I would like to say right here, right now... NO IT DOES NOT!

Who the heck is "All"?!?!?  I want to see this person! I want to see what "All" looks like! Because clearly I should be within the definition of "All", but my gosh...there's no way I can wear some of those "One size fits all" things! I want to know who the heck they tried that outfit on when they were like, "Yep, Ted, that is going to fit everyone...let's just put "One Size Fits All" on the tag and call it a day!" 
Yeah right...the conversation was probably more like, "Hey Ted!! Come check this out! This shirt fits the mannequin perfectly!! Wouldn't it be funny as hell if we just put 'One Size Fits All' on this tag??"
Well folks, I have obviously seen mannequins before, and let me tell you something...THEY HAVE NO BOOBS!!!!!!!!!! So you can NOT sit there and tell me that a shirt that fits a "mosquito-bite" size boob is going to fit someone hauling 2 small watermelons around!!!! It just ain't happening!!!
And trust me, when "2 watermelon" lady tries to stuff herself in that one size fits all, it's not a pretty picture...not unless you like Uni-boobs! That's all those shirts do...make it look like your 2 watermelons have joined to make one giant watermelon...not cool.
So, I think that "OSFA" (Yeah, I said OSFA cause I am cool like that, and if you can't tell what that means, stop, go back to the beginning and read again, cause you missed something...like the point of this blog!!!) should not exist anymore. It is cruel and unusual to try cramming all body types into one size...I don't care how much the designer hopes and dreams of all women in the world being mannequin shaped, it's not gonna happen!

Now, I would like to say one thing about this OSFA industry.  I would like to give them props for attempting to change their ways a little bit. Yes, I have seen this subtle change and I applaud their effort. I have seen some articles of clothing that no longer say "One Size Fits All"...no, they now say, "One Size Fits MOST"!
Most??!?! Really? Ok, I know I said that I applaud their effort...but NOT ANYMORE! It's still ridiculous! It's the same size as the "OSFA" but they just changed it to "OSFM"!

I think they just need to quit trying.  Just put a tag in it that says, "If You're Not As Small As A Mannequin, Keep Walking. You Will Never Be Able To Wear This Shirt!"  OR  "If Your Breasts Are Any Bigger Than Mosquito-Bites This Top Is Not For You."

Maybe I should go into the "Tag Making" Industry. Maybe I am in the wrong line of work.

The other really bad thing about labeling things as "One Size Fits All" is because there are some women out there who believe EVERYTHING THEY READ!!!!  Come on people! Spare us!!  If you can't BREATHE in the top, IT DOES NOT FIT YOU!!!!  If it doesn't cover you, it does NOT FIT! If people can see body parts that are not supposed to be exposed in public (unless you're on a nude beach), well then, honey, that outfit is NOT for you.  Don't believe everything you read....TAGS LIE!!!

One Size Fits All is what we can consider like a Unicorn...A Myth...A LIE!  Don't believe it girls...it's like a man telling you that something looks "GREAT" on you when you know for a fact it makes your butt look big...but that's neither here nor there.

Bottom Line is: One Size Fits All, MY BUTT!!!!!!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Shopping TERROR!!!

In this blog, I would like to discuss shopping trip nightmares that we all have had, or will have one day. Since you have to park in a parking lot, I will start there.

So, I pull into the parking lot at Wal-Mart, and I am the type of person that prides myself in my ability to locate parking spaces that are close to the door. I am not handicapped, but there is a great deal of satisfaction in finding a parking space that is right next to a handicap space (i.e. the closest you can get without a handicap sticker or plate). So, I am cruising through the aisle looking for a good space and THERE IT IS!!!
I can hardly contain myself as I am getting closer to the space! I see someone pull around the corner from the other end of the aisle and I KNOW they are going to try to steal my parking space! I just know it!! So I do what everyone else would do and I SPEED UP to show that person that I was waiting for that spot and that it is MINE! Oh, and I also turn on my blinker, signaling that I want that spot...I am not a complete jerk, here, ok? Geez!  So anyway, they see me, and they continue past MY spot.
I am getting closer and closer and I can taste the victory...and then I realize why the other people passed up my parking space. Yes, as I get to the parking space I realize that there is a MOTORCYCLE parked in my space!!! My heart sinks and suddenly I feel like a bit of an idiot. Those people didn't pass up that spot because of the rage they could see in my face...they didn't pass it up because I dang near ran someone over to speed up to prove that I was waiting for that spot...my blinker didn't even phase them.
No, these people passed up this space because from their angle, they saw a motorcycle in the space, and they were probably laughing the rest of the day, talking about the idiot that was possessive over a parking space that they were never going to get. It's sad times...so then I have a choice, either I can just leave and do my shopping the next day, or I can sheepishly park on the other side of the parking lot, in the farthest space from the building and just hope that no one recognizes me.
What the Heck am I talking about?!? I am here to do some shopping! It's not MY fault some loser parked their little bike in a parking space!! It's THEIR fault I was made to feel dumb, so NO, I will not park a mile away from the store, I will get a decent parking space and I will pridefully walk into that store and get what I was there for!!! I think it should be mandatory that big stores like this have parking specifically for bikes and Smart Cars. (YES, I SAID SMART CARS!) They are just as bad! You don't even see the dang things until you pull into the space and are on top of their car! You could park those things 2 deep in ONE parking space!
Anyway, I digress... So, I go inside the store, and am starting to feel a tiny bit better about my life. I get a shopping cart. I don't know about anyone else, and it may just be me, but out of the hundreds of shopping carts sitting there, I ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS pick one that has something wrong with the wheels! One wheel doesn't turn, one wheel wobbles because it doesn't quite hit the floor, or something. Something is always wrong with the cart that I pick! Or it's the one that you can hear throughout the entire STORE!!! "SQUEEEEEEK! Oh, look at me, I was picked by the idiot who tried to park in the space with a motorcycle in it!! SQUEEEK! Look at this idiot! Why didn't she just get a different cart? SQUEEEK!!!" Yes, my carts talk, don't yours?

So then I just continue on my way. Going up and down aisles looking for the items I need. Then I go down the cereal aisle, and I could swear that there was a party going on down this aisle! Why does everyone in the state of Indiana need cereal RIGHT NOW? Why are they all in this aisle?!?! Did I miss the invitation to this party or something? Of course the cereal I want is in the MIDDLE of the aisle, so I wait. I sit there and wait as the line of people moves at negative 50 miles per hour! I feel like I am waiting in line for a roller coaster ride at Cedar Point or something! What the heck! I just want a box of cereal! Is that too much to ask!?
Well, I finally get my cereal and get the heck out of that aisle. By this point I am already starting to feel frustrated, but I continue on.
I turn the corner and go down the next aisle. I get behind this lady and she stops to look at something. She positions her cart SIDEWAYS in the aisle and stands at the other end of her cart, thus blocking the ENTIRE AISLE! And folks, she a "reader". Yes, she reads the entire contents of each box she picks up! She was probably picturing herself making whatever she was looking at. Probably even picturing what she was going to be wearing while she fixed that meal! She takes 5 hours reading all of these boxes and I stand there waiting "PATIENTLY" of course! Yeah right! I am about to scream at the top of my lungs and tell this lady to get the heck outta my way! Why didn't I just turn around and go around and come up on the other side of the aisle, you ask? It's the PRINCIPLE of the matter! She should NOT be blocking the entire aisle...come on! It's common sense AND common courtesy!
So, finally, this lady looks up and sees me standing there and says, "Oh! I am sorry. I am blocking the whole aisle." (No kidding, genius!) Then she proceeds to move her cart a little bit, just enough for me to SQUEEZE past her. No, she didn't move it enough for me to comfortably walk past, just enough for me to slide past her. So, I get what I needed in that aisle and turn to go up the next aisle and dang near run over a little kid!
In the next aisle I need to go through there are 100 children running rampant through the aisle! Did I turn the corner and enter Chuck-E-Cheeses or something?!?! What's going on here?!? And the sad part is, they all belong to the lady who is in the next aisle. Yeah, that's right...she has about 7 children and I don't think she knows where any of them are! I know where they are! 2 of them are stuck in the wheels of MY shopping cart! The other 5 are remodeling Wal-Mart! Why do these women have all of these children and then not take care of them?! I swear! 

So anyway, after I get away from the unsupervised terrors (Heaven knows I don't want anyone to think they are MY children!!!) I get to the last aisle I need to go down. And what do you know? There are two women standing there talking. I don't mind the talking part, but what I do mind is that they are standing in a way that not even a mouse could get past them! What is up with these people?!? Come on! This is a store! Not a Starbucks! Haven't seen eachother in 10 years? Well, that's not MY fault! Exchange numbers, promise you'll call eachother (and never do) and get the heck out of my way!!! WalMart is not the place for class reunions! MOVE!!!! Well, since there are 2 of them blocking the aisle, it doesn't take near as long for one of them to see me and realize that I am waiting to pass through... "Oops. Look, we are blocking the whole aisle! *giggle, giggle*"  They are laughing about this?!??! I am NOT laughing!!! This is NOT funny!

I am finally nearing the end of this miserable shopping trip. I get in line at the checkout...and would you believe it? I happened to get in line with the guy who just started YESTERDAY!
About 20 minutes later, after he scans my 20 items, I am ready to get out of there!!!
As I walk out and I am walking toward my car, apparently EVERY SINGLE parking space between the handicap spaces and where I had to park are now available! Even the dang motorcycle is gone!!

SCREW THIS DAY! I am NEVER, EVER going to WalMart again!!!!
Till next week...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Painless hair removal? YEAH RIGHT!!!

In this blog I would like to discuss something that is, to me, non-existant. Painless hair removal. There are so many products out there and so many of them claim that they are "Pain Free". I'd like to call their bluff, and I'd like to call it RIGHT NOW! I have personally tried many of these hair removal products for myself. I wish to discuss a couple of them. 

Let's start with the creams. You're supposed to simply put a thick layer of cream on the area you want the hair removed and let it sit for 8 minutes. Not 5 minutes, not 10 minutes, but 8 minutes! So, you put this pain free cream on, let's say, your upper lip to remove the lip fuzz that we all have...this is when the pain begins! It feels like you have literally ironed your lip! Yeah, your lip will be burning for a few days after this "pain-free" hair removal! Not to mention, when I was done removing it, I looked like I could be one of Angelina Jolie's flesh and blood daughters with how swollen my upper lip was!

Ok, on to the next...waxing... seriously?  Who the heck were they testing waxing on when they could even fathom labeling it "pain-free"?!??!?!?  Were they testing it on a coma patient?!  Waxing is NOT a pain free experience, I don't care who you are! First you heat up this jelly like substance in the microwave...then you place it in a thick layer over the area you want to remove hair from...let's say a leg. So, I placed hot wax on my leg and then followed the instructions of placing a "backing strip" over the wax, rubbing it hard so it makes the connection with the wax, that has made a connection with my hairs, then with one quick motion, you pull the backing strip off against the hair growth...this then pulls out the hairs to the root that it was attached to.  I am living proof that this is NOT a pain free moment. It's like pulling the hairs, muscles, veins, etc. right out of your leg! It feels like you are peeling your leg inside out! Then, the pain doesn't stop there. A wax kit usually comes with a nice little bottle of lotion that is supposed to soothe the pain (that you're not even supposed to have). So, you apply this lotion that might as well be like applying salt because of the good it doesn't do...you'd be better off just drinking a few margaritas, that'd probably help the pain better than this "soothing" lotion!

Lastly, I'd like to discuss home laser hair removal. Yes, you can purchase a torture device and use it in the comfort of your own home. When you read the instructions, it says that the only discomfort you will feel while using the laser, is what they consider like being snapped on the leg with a rubber band. Now, I'd like to explain what it really feels like.  It's not a simple snap of a rubber band, it is like being stung by a jelly-fish! Or maybe having someone snap you with a rubber band from the inside of your leg.  It is not pain-free! This, like the other painless hair removal products, has lingering pain that doesn't seem to want to go away...Lingering pain that you weren't even supposed to have at all according to the lies on the box.

Like I said, who are they testing these hair removal products on when they have the audacity to label them as pain-free? Were they testing them on the Incredible Hulk? Or maybe they were testing them on a person that has no feeling in their bodies.  But they certainly weren't testing them on your average person. According to how I was made to feel when trying these products, I would label these products:
"WARNING: You are about to experience some of the most excruciating pain you will ever feel... it is in your best interest to either be drunk, knocked out, or put to sleep before trying this!!"

Bathroom Confusion...?

Well, I am going to blog about this since I just recently had this experience.  It is not a pleasant one, and I am sure I am not the only one who has had it. This is also not the only place this has happened either. Anyway, we went to see Paul at the Rave here in good ol' Fort Wayne, Indiana (by the way, if you haven't seen Paul, I highly recommend it!) and for the sake of not missing any of the movie, I decided to use the ladies room before the movie started. Well, you know it's going to be an unpleasant experience if you can barely get into the stall without falling into the toilet because of how close the door is to it! I mean, seriously!, WHO DESIGNED THESE STALLS?! That jerk is probably laughing somewhere thinking, "Hmm, I wonder if anyone has fallen backwards into a toilet today trying to get the door shut!" I mean, would it really be that difficult to just have the doors open OUTWARD?! Then that way you have the entire stall to move around in. Anyway, so, I finally get the door shut and locked, then I sit down. I noticed instantly that my left leg is positioned UNDERNEATH the toilet paper dispenser! Really?!?! And folks, I am sitting correctly on this toilet, I am not sitting with my right butt cheek on the left part of the toilet...no, I am sitting directly in the center of the toilet seat, like you're supposed to, and my leg is directly under the T.P. dispenser. What the heck were they thinking?!?! I mean, come on! Couldn't they have put the dispenser up a few inches? Or maybe even farther out from the toilet a little bit? No, of course not. So, I have to reach down, then back up past my leg and pull out some toilet paper. I didn't think I'd be playing "Twister" just to get some dang toilet paper, but apparently that's what you have to do in that bathroom. "Left hand on white"..if you can!!! So, after untangling myself I go to wash my hands. I am only 27, but sometimes the technology today confuses even me! I am looking all over the place for the button or the faucet thing to turn the water on, and there isn't one... Then I see the little black sensor below the faucet. Oh, ok, I have to wave at the sink to get it to turn on...interesting. So, I get my hands washed and now I am ready to dry them. Now, I am familiar with the blow dryers for your hands, but the new ones that they've come out with are INSANE! It'd be like blow drying your hands behind a jet that's about to take off! Yeah, these things feel like they are going to blow your skin right off! I remember back when I was younger, they had the ones that blew so softly that you might as well just blow on your own hands, or just wipe them on your jeans, if you wanted them to be dry anytime in that century! Yeah, you'd have to push the button 4-5 times just to get your hands dry...but not anymore! No siree! Now you can blow that water (and your skin) right off your hands and they will be dry in 10 seconds or less!

So anyway, yeah, I might have said some of this in a funny way, but it's all the truth! This all really happened to me. I am going to continue to blog real instances that I go through. Some blogs will be serious, some not so serious. But seriously, I hope you all have a good day, and I hope you all get to experience the bathroom terrors I have been through for yourselves one day!

Take care, and bye-bye for now!